humor

Reinventing Southwest Utah

ST. GEORGE, Utah – Welcome back, visitors to southwest Utah. Welcome to our “Ferris Bueller” era. It’s where we remind you -- “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

While you’ve been defeating the family in games of Battleship and your spouse has been abusing an old Jane Fonda workout tape, lots has been happening here.

Let me catch you up while you’re stuck in Hurricane on the way to Zion National Park. It’s like every traffic light is timed so you must gawk at the sprawl of new hotels, housing tracts and fast-food joints amid the post-pandemic grunion run of outdoor enthusiasts.

I moved to St. George three years ago from Central California. Good thing, too, because I couldn’t afford the prices for housing now. It’s a drunken market, said a Realtor friend, and there’s no end in sight.

I was a tourist when I first saw the big white “D” carved into a St. George mesa. I thought it was odd. After doing homework about how this “Dixie” got its name, I regarded the “D” as quaint. Now it’s an endangered word, linked more with intolerance than heritage.

Intermountain Healthcare quickly shed the Dixie name, so we now have “St. George Regional Medical Center.” And Dixie State University will eventually wear a new badge after a politically fraught mediation.

The “D” on the mesa may remain as the university tries to get it and its hillside placed on the National Register of Historic Places.

Meanwhile, the St. George Temple, the first completed Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints temple in Utah, is still closed for renovations. It won’t reopen until 2022.

And the eye-popping drive to the Tuacahn amphitheater and Snow Canyon State Park in Ivins will take longer thanks to oodles of new homes as well as what some call the area’s first strip mall.

Washington County still supports building a multi-billion-dollar pipeline to siphon water from drought-strapped Lake Powell. And plans continue for a Northern Corridor highway through a tortoise preserve.

So, star gazers, rock climbers and road graders, welcome back to southwest Utah. The past is still present. But as successful school truant Ferris Bueller warned, you’d better give it a hard look quickly.

John G. Taylor, a former journalist and retired California hospital system executive, provides “Dateline: St. George” commentaries on Utah Public Radio.

A Vanilla Name? There's No Such Thing

ST. GEORGE, UTAH -- If you’re moving to Utah, you’d better bone up on the back story behind your name before someone politely explains the you who you are not.

I hauled my gray ponytail and presumed vanilla name to St. George two years ago -- a graduate of NYU, not BYU – hunting a friendly, affordable place to retire where breathing didn’t mean chewing California pollution.

You do know you’ve got a famous name, right? First, it was a CVS pharmacist, then an AC repairer and recently Margaret, who owns a used bookstore in Hurricane.

It seems nearly everyone – the two Mormons of every three Utah residents – educates me on my namesake who was the third prophet, tucked behind Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, in establishing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I found I had way more in common with him than my other namesakes such as the retired wide receiver for the San Francisco Forty-Niners and the bass player for Duran Duran. Their fans mistakenly hounded me for autographs in California.

The prophet Taylor died on the same month and day as my birth. My family roots are in Ireland, where he preached. He had been a Methodist as have I. He worked the fields; I milked Wisconsin cows.

He was shot several times in the 1844 riot that killed the faith’s founder; only Brooklyn fistfights for me. He liked to tell stories, wrote a book and edited newspapers; I spent my career wordsmithing for newspapers and hospitals. My wife says we look alike; Prophet Taylor had eight wives, so I’ll cut my one and only some slack on her dubious claim.

Utah is a Joseph’s coat of names with some, such as Romney, Huntsman and Eccles, as iconic as Arches National Park. But the richest reside with wayfarers and byways.

You can thank explorers, miners and the roughnecks who built the transcontinental railroad for arcane and frisky map monikers such as Drunkards Wash (in coal country), Peter Sinks (a frightfully cold natural sinkhole at 8,100 feet) and Mollies Nipple (there are several, supposedly named by explorer John Kitchen to honor his wife. Wow.).

I’ve encountered a Walmart checker named Erda, a credit union teller named Skyla, and brothers Bridger and Sawyer. I’ve read obituaries for Zelpha Roundy and a Sanpete County official with the handle Orange Frederick Peel. Yep, Orange Peel.

Some names flow from the Book of Mormon, some from partial melding of ancestral names and others, I surmise, from romantic dashboard-light memories of artists and lyrics of the 1980s -- think Journey meets U2.

When I grew fatigued over my fortunate accident of being a non-Mormon sharing a prophet’s name, I asked my conversational partner if he could name all the prophets. I now know there are 17, including four Smiths.

Yet another Smith saved a starving Mormon settlement by suggesting the eating of raw potatoes. So was born St. George, my home and one of the fastest growing communities in the nation.

And while my yearning for fuller Utah immersion includes  attending the annual Ute Stampede Rodeo in Nephi (where the mayor’s name is Glade Nielson), my days of describing myself as just another John are history.

Saved by St. George

Keebler cookie elves, that explains the chewed-over, throbbing rouge mesas. Psychedelic azure skies slathered with white custard clouds, that conjures Beatles’ lyrics. Dinosaurs tromped here, that means finding fossils and more – like venomous gila monsters, the newly named state reptile hissing in burrows not far from my house.

 “Life elevated” is an official Utah slogan.  “Life Saved” is my headline as I touch an empty pocket where once resided my emergency asthma inhaler.

It’s been a year since we escaped Central California’s corrosive air. Family and 40-plus years of friends grasped our desperation but gasped at our taking refuge in St. George: You aren’t Mormon and don’t know a soul in Utah, so why there?

Dad, you went to NYU, not BYU. You’re a first-generation Irish American, Kennedy liberal and retired journalist, not a cattle-ferrying frontiersman whose faith forbids drinking French roast or using swearing as conversational shorthand. You’ll be a friendless outsider.

St. George is a cultural and mercantile nexus for a swath of Utah, Arizona and Nevada, and mecca for California retirees. It’s two hours’ drive north of Las Vegas, a launch point to national parks, and one of America’s fastest growing cities.

At St. George’s Walmarts you’ll encounter sun-blanched retirees hunting bargains or working the check-outs, tanned parents in pink gym shorts with a flock of kids, and fundamentalist Mormons on smartphones and in pristine blue prairie dresses.

Utah’s eighth largest city demonstrates the “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” closing admonition – life goes by quickly, pay attention or you’ll miss stuff.

Take the two pilots who last year successfully landed their private planes where St. George’s airport was eight years ago. It’s now home to a college and a burgeoning tech center. Each had an OMG moment, at least one captured on YouTube, and safely got airborne.

Those miscues would be unforgiven now. The cliffside campus is abuzz with construction, and St. George’s regional airport, built on an old drag strip southeast of town, is closed until September while runways sinking in blue clay are replaced.

The land route here tests your discipline. Interstate 15, Utah’s narrow link to Arizona and Las Vegas, carved into head-spinning cliffs along the Virgin River, is down to one lane in each direction as bridges are replaced.

Since we arrived in 2018, within a mile of mile of home there’s a new hotel, gas station, jewelry and other warehouses, and the first structures for a new 30,000-resident community called Desert Color.

Clean air. Courteous, frugal people. National parks. A thriving cultural and arts community. Children’s museum. A first-rate hospital with trauma center. Plenty for hikers, bikers, joggers, artists and other wanderers. Pickleball/golf. Costco. An expanding dinosaur museum. Retiree and veteran friendly. A Mormon temple downtown and branch church spires on corners and hillsides everywhere in this 2,700-foot high desert of 10,000-foot crenellated mountains.

Californians coming here 20 years ago wanted to transform St. George into a mini Golden State, said our Realtor, a Mormon and California ex-pat. Now they want to preserve what remains of its small-town wholesomeness.

The weather forecasters lean heavily on the phrase “Except St. George,” in part to explain how accuracy can be elusive when storms flow up from the Gulf of Mexico and down from Alaska.

We came here for clean air. We relocated here because we were welcomed. We visited and jawboned for week, trusted the Chamber of Commerce directory – if a business replied first, we tried them; we took strangers at their word; and tried to ease off my New York Minute expectations.

The place’s got quirks.

The St. George City Council restored a ban on public alcohol consumption after mistakenly deleting it. The council purposely deleted a possible jail sentence that loomed for dog owners whose pets pooped on others’ lawns.

And it’s got a dark side.

Presumed arson fires destroyed a Mormon church and damaged an Episcopal church sanctuary. A man was shot dead outside the One and Only Bar.  A woman called state police saying her car’s driver wouldn’t allow her a potty break, resulting in a high-speed chase and taser battle with police. Another woman tried to pay Taco Bell with her marijuana stash. The area jail is named more for geography than irony -- the Purgatory Correctional Facility.

It’s driven by seasons.

It’s a retirement haven – Wyoming, Michigan, Washington, Oregon and especially San Diego and Orange counties.  Retirees are generally welcomed as economic drivers who lifecycle out of their temporary communion with locals.

The diverse newcomers here and in the Salt Lake area are propelling the economy and challenging a tight-fisted, paternalistic political system. The state suffers from underfunded public education, pollution and drought, high opioid use and suicide rates and a sizable population of hungry children and “vehicle residents” – consequences of low wages and a weak supply of affordable housing.

State lawmakers are uneasy with the general populace. When voters instigated and approved an expansion of Medicaid and legalizing of medical marijuana, the Legislature hurriedly consulted with special interests including the Mormon church and enacted restrictions before both initiatives took effect.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is rebranding itself. Mormons want the world to see them the way they see themselves -- as part of mainstream Christianity. That may be easier to accomplish as mainstream denominations continue shedding members.

Less than half of Salt Lake City’s population is Mormon. It is one of the state’s few Democratic strongholds, electing the state’s only Democrat (a Mormon) to the House of Representatives last year.

There are more than 2 million Mormons among Utah’s 3.1 million residents. That’s about one-third of Mormons in the United States.

Among our first encounters with St. George Mormons: a furniture saleswoman, who chuckled over my fondness for “groovy,” “awesome” and “righteous,” and a Home Depot checker. I’d complimented the checker on her jewelry, which she explained was a CTR ring – a public endorsement for “Choose the Right,” a Mormon affirmation to righteous living in obedience to God’s will.

Community doesn’t happen without your skin in the game. Whether it’s for church, wilderness rescue, ski patrol or at St. George’s annual Huntsman Senior Games competition, Utahns lead the country in volunteerism.

My family has always responded to need, and we don’t choose friends based on spirituality. We’ve attended a Mormon sacrament meeting at the invitation of friends, and my wife Judy has worked with a Mormon group to create reusable feminine hygiene products.

We’re working with a local jewelry merchant who holds an annual Christmas party to benefit area Paiute tribes. Judy is now knitting winter caps and scarves for that charity, as she has done for others.  The merchant refers to her as “Sister Scarf.”

I’ve disenrolled as a Democrat and now volunteer with United for Utah, a third party espousing public principle over internecine party politics.

We take reusable bags when we shop, irritating some checkers in the free-bag culture here. We chat with strangers with names like Arda from towns named Erda. I enjoyed a successful real-time email exchange with the state DMV. And the neighborhood kingsnake I met while getting my Wall Street Journal has a name. My California daughter said Stripes has a pretty face.

We now take our breathing for granted. Our leaps of faith joyfully continue.

John G. Taylor, a former journalist and retired California hospital system executive, lives in St. George, Utah.

Feasting on people: A diner’s guide

The sylph-like hostess sashayed through the restaurant like a baguette looking to shed a cold pat of butter as her shawl slipped, again and again, from the twist of her neck. By mid-evening, artifacts from the menu were destined to be dipped, dusted and otherwise magnetized from the floor into every fabric fold.

When it comes to take-your-time dining, the ballet and missteps of this Morro Bay kitchen were as much a Rubik’s Cube to patrons as was the industrywide marketing rationale that inevitably wrapped at least four but never more than six shrimp in a $30-ish glaze.

The back shop is predestined to dwell in the Twilight Zone, Gordon Ramsay be damned. But the clientele and the front staff can be sifted, sampled and given a Michelin review, welcomed like the perfume of sautéed garlic shrimp or scorned like burned popcorn.

Where the restaurant bends from its entryway bottleneck to full flagon there sat this evening’s Judge, earning the label for overall imperiousness commencing with crook of his neck. This patron’s gaze rendered all as miscreants or worse – perhaps potential juror panelists -- as his wife, shoulders dappled by the Morro Rock sunset, regaled him with a Democrat-flavored judgment of congressional hearings for then-Supreme Court Justice nominee Neil Gorsuch.

What, what? You know I can’t hear whispers, said his voice, a megaphone that invoiced what he would or wouldn’t have with his salmon, and how – bring cruets and shakers -- he would zest it himself when it debuted. Water was his beverage, wincing as his wife reordered a lemonade.

We early diners were a weak tide in this California offseason, choked by rain and mudslides. A woman with a yellow rain smock cinched around her waist. A grandmother holstered in a polished walker, shepherded by a benign young man who wended her to a perch that espied the ocean while reviewing a menu both knew by heart and agreeing that selecting an inexpensive red wine would escape anyone’s aspersions.

The servers regarded the regulars as though resuming an interrupted diary with updates of a wallet lost, the results of cancer screenings (the type specified as “women’s”), how a co-worker’s pregnancy leave had left them short-handed and, only when asked, a reminder about the chef’s specials.

This confessional, mindless of us nearby as we dropped eaves, on no occasion led the servers to provide the irregulars with their first names or position themselves as inviting, knowledgeable resources about preferences on a blissfully limited menu that hasn’t needed more than a fresh varnishing of plastic over the decades.

No hard sell, no memorable menu to share with tourists many of whose car undercarriages suffered keel-hauling on humpback streets in arriving at this 75-year-old perch above the fuss of the embarcadero. This restaurant, whose name I spare, rests abundantly well, thank you, on the elbows of its reputation, no need for ruffles about dining experiences or special ministrations beyond adjusting shades to accommodate the sun’s death glare.

As this evening’s first tables were turned, the woman in the rain smock was surprised to find it diving to her feet, transfixing her like an anchor dropped and compelling her husband to drag a leg like a poorly trained skier to avoid a cavalcade of tumbling well-fed, poorly toned bodies.

Somehow, the Judge missed this side-chapel sketch as he slurped his salmon and moved on to finish every crust of bread while his wife elsewhere was possibly reallocating her lemonade.

His arms opened to assess the table’s remnants, unfurling a scowl. Well-seasoned or otherwise, morsels did not belong ensnared in his teeth. He grabbed a dinner fork and prosecuted them with four fine tines before handing a raft of cash to his server and softly parading to the door behind his wife.

A breeze had kicked the outdoor air cold. There was no jovial buzz, the kind spawned by the warm alcohol of summer. Off-season tips were less rich, more dear.  Maybe the hostess caught the drift. She plastered menus against her chest, clawing her shawl to her throat like a suddenly sacred scapula as though there were no etiquette for such things and certain no one would ever pay her any mind anyway.

(Also published as an op-ed in the April 29, 2017 edition of The Fresno Bee.)

John G. Taylor, a former Fresno Bee reporter and editor, is owner/operator of The JT Communications Company LLC. Write to him at jtcommunicates@comcast.net.

Mysteries surrounding 'Play Ball!'

Three hours evaporate too quickly in baseball, says me. If time inexplicably drags for you, consider mysteries of the game.

Umpire Dirt Devil: In a daily ritual, umpires or designees use mud harvested from a secret New Jersey bog to slap down the polished look of new baseballs, presumably helping pitchers’ grip. This isn’t illegal scuffing designed to baffle hitters, which pitchers and catchers execute surreptitiously. How do muddy middlemen eat up time, spritzing dozens of balls? Do they rub to the Ipod churn of Metallica (maybe Muddy Waters)? Scope out the Home Run Derby on ESPN Classic? For kicks, do they sneak in a still-polished orb to see if anyone notices?

Ground Rules or Grub Guide: What’s up with the pre-game huddle at home between umpires and managers, presumably to discuss individual ballpark oddities? What’s really discussed – stir fry and brew joints? How many times during a four-game series can you jawbone over what happens if a ball gets hung up in Wrigley Field ivy or underneath a tarp? It sure couldn’t have prepared for Yankees outfielder Dave Winfield being arrested in Toronto in 1983 when he accidentally killed a wayfaring seagull with a warmup throw.

Tarp Dancers: How often do groundskeepers practice the Tchaikovsky ballet of rolling out the tarp? Hire a Sikorsky chopper to create a headwind in preseason to prep for a summer thunderstorm?

Janitors in a Drum: The Oakland Coliseum innards stink like “Indiana Jones” catacombs. Snakes? You bet maintenance guys don’t venture far without those base-clearing clubhouse potty excavators. What ghoulish tales handymen could tell, if only the Centers for Disease Control dare ask?

Jocks-of-All-Trades: Sometimes a line drive will snap a glove’s webbing. A slide will tear a pants leg. A jock strap will go missing. A Nutshellz (aka family jewels’ shield) will crack. A collision will knock out a tooth or contact lens. Microphone batteries will fail for a slurpy-voiced anthem singer. Who are the sometimes game savers, lurking in the stadium bowels? Their packs of tricks including scissors, tongue depressors, ear irrigators, cold packs, duct tape, saline solution, location of emergency shutoff valve for sprinklers and an Uber hotline for the gold-toothed reliever whose car battery expired.

Mr. Nice Guy: What are the rules (does slipping cash help?) on who is bequeathed a foul retrieved by the ball boy?  Would love to see the liability policy preventing pitching the keepsakes to cheaper seats.

Evictor-in-Chief: A friend got mouthy with Jose Canseco back when he was half of the steroid-challenged Bash Brothers. He wanted the critic tossed. The Oakland security shirts ultimately ejected the wrong jouster. How does security decide when you’ve crossed the line? And what are their “judicial” options?

Sultan of Sales: There are other winners and losers in games. Hauling cases of soda when it’s 31 degrees at Milwaukee, when you need pliers to crack open peanuts? Selling beer in a section dominated by elementary kids? Some kind of pit boss makes assignments for what vendor hawks the top sellers and who waves cotton candy in the rain. What’s the racket?  And, painful reality, who decides the geographic borders so that I’m always outside bellowing distance of the churro dealer?

Odor Eaters: Lastly, for the hourly staff who churn volcanoes of garlic fries – What’s the trick? High pressure hoses filled with Febreze? -- so they can shed their Eureka! aroma and sleep regularly with the family.

I’ll snap out of such puzzling with opening day in April. Rebirth arrives when the first, fast, mud-speckled sphere challenges a hand-sanded, finely grained chisel of ash whipped by Buyanesque wrists soon to be tailored for All-Star sleeves.  

(Also published as an op-ed in the March 4, 2017 edition of The Fresno Bee.)

John G. Taylor, a former Fresno Bee reporter and editor, is owner/operator of The JT Communications Company LLC. Write to him at jtcommunicates@comcast.net.

 

Civility: What would George Carlin say?

When networks have to bleep a presidential candidate, we’ve surpassed the George Carlin benchmarks of what can’t be publicly said. That’s as opposed to what should be normal discourse and is increasingly being rendered archaic.

When I wrote a blog-- The Martial Arts of Common Courtesy -- detailing how the “please and thank you” standard of good manners has devolved into the spoken equivalent of shoulder shrugs, the Fresno Bee published it as an op-ed. And readers amplified.

“I am exasperated by people, mostly young, who say ‘no problem’ as if they were incapable of uttering ‘you're welcome.’

“I'm damn tired, too, of being told to ‘have a good one’ instead of being thanked.” – Don Slinkard

“I cracked up reading your article. My husband and I have been irritated with the ‘no problem’ response for years. So our comment back is ‘Was there going to be a problem?’ Employers should educate employees on manners.  Have a good day!” – Karen Miller

“I used to think I was perhaps the only who thought this was an issue for me.  Call me ‘old school,’ but I do believe the ‘art of civility.’  When I say ‘thank you’ to the clerk, cashier, waitress or the person who held a door for me, the response is always, ‘no problem.’  How I would love to hear a ‘you're welcome,’ once in a while.  Could this be generational? 

“Another generational phrase that has been shortened is, ‘I'm sorry.’  On campus, I constantly hear students respond, ‘sorry.’  That is just a word without identifying who is sorry!  I am teaching my grandchildren how important it is to have ownership, ‘I'm’ and for the issue, ‘I hurt your feelings; I hit you, etc.’

“As for your comments on customer service, I had an experience such as you described.  Can't a manager see there is an issue with a customer, and respond ‘I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, mix-up, etc.?’  Whatever happened to ‘customer service? ´

“Yes, all those wonderful responses I grew up with: ‘Please,’ ‘thank you,’ ‘you're welcome’ and ‘I'm sorry,’ do matter.  Perhaps with their return it might make our world kinder, gentler. -- Martha Magnia

“You are spot on: ‘No problem’ is definitely a problem. And so are some of the other absurdities that have sprung up recently, and which I staunchly condemn: ‘No problemo’ (a disgrace to Spanish and probably unique to California); ‘You guys’ (sad testimony to the lack of a second-person plural pronoun); ‘I’ve got your back’; and that terrible word ‘frigging.’

“The language is definitely under assault, and at extreme risk are the irregular preterits – to which scant attention is paid anymore. We are daily bombarded with such atrocities as “speeded, slayed, thrived, bidded, dived and pleaded” – all from sources who should know better. Where is Eric Partridge when we need him?

“Can we expect a future of, say, ‘eated, goed, flyed, thinked, sleeped’ and kindred horrors?

“Thank you for the response, Mr. Taylor. It’s a real pity that such a sorry fate has befallen so many verbs of long-standing and accepted irregularity. There is no end to which this theme could be enlarged.” -- Paul Watts